Discussing sex and sexual issues with teenagers can be a daunting task, especially for parents. Just how media venues depict sex and sexuality has shaped societal perceptions and created an openness that was much more muted when I was a young woman. When my daughter was on the point of enter middle school I felt we had a need to have a discussion on the ramifications and risks connected with sex. http://longislandescortsnow.com My daughter had already explained about a fourteen year old girl she knew was pregnant and that a thirteen year old peer who had already had an STD twice. This last bit of information had been garnered in the sex education curriculum the institution district used as part of ‘health’ in the sixth grade for children whose parents gave permission because of their child to wait the class.
Opening and sustaining a shared dialog between teens and a parent is paramount as, developmentally and emotionally, most teens are somewhere between adolescence and adulthood whatever their chronological age. Serious discussions, especially concerning peers or social-emotional issues must be approached carefully. The key is to not alienate teenagers by minimizing the value of these knowledge or experience, to be casual rather than demanding, not to lecture, and to include them in the discussion. Parents have to listen together with talk no matter what the topic of a discussion is they’re having with their sons and daughters.
To make sure I was well informed and able to undertake this task I did so research on the net and at the local public library. I garnered information from the neighborhood chapter of Planned Parenthood and the County Health Department. I acquired statistics on teen pregnancy, single parents, and other data from the Kansas Kids Count book. All states collect statistical data by city, county, township, and provide that data through some kind of written source. At that time I felt ready to sit down and attempt to speak to my daughter, hoping she wouldn’t be too embarrassed to talk with her ‘mother’.
I waited until my son, who was ten at the time, was on a camping trip with his Boy Scout troop. My husband worked second shift and was at work. I was watching a movie with my daughter on television and I casually introduced the subject of boys, asking if she had a boyfriend. I was well aware that parents tend to be the last to know when a child has her first boyfriend. Although my daughter did not have a boyfriend yet, she added that she didn’t want a boyfriend because guys expected the lady to stop all her friends, didn’t want them to possess other regular friends who were boys, and just wanted sex, whether that has been oral sex or physical copulation. She had learned this from a close girlfriend who was dealing with her first boyfriend and who had confided in my daughter, needing someone to speak to.
This was the opening I had been looking forward to. First I told my daughter that I wasn’t attempting to insinuate she had engaged in heavy petting or sex, and I wasn’t attempting to lecture, that I simply wished to make sure she had the tools and knowledge needed if she were ever drawn to a guy physically or emotionally. I told her to jump in and correct me if she felt I were wrong or misguided about anything, to let me know if I was making her feel uncomfortable, and to share any information that she may have since my intent had not been to lecture or coerce.
I discussed the lengths many boys would go to get physical which included telling the girl he loved her and would never cheat on her and if she loved him she would take part in a sexual act with him, or threatening to split up with the girl if she would not surrender to his sexual advances. My daughter added a peer had also suffered through the knowledge of having a guy tell his friends and male peers at school they had “oral sex”, an act which had not even taken place.
This in turn resulted in a discussion on how a girl might respond to a similar situation. I gave my sympathy for what another girl was going right through by stating that this lie needed to be very painful for the lady. I also explained that many guys, during their teen years often liked to brag about their conquests whether real or implied, as a way to convince peers of these sexual prowess. We discussed some options my daughter’s friend might take, including ignoring the guy and any of his friends who will make advances or snide remarks, to inform the guy that she feels sorry he has to lie to be able to feel important, or simply tell him she is not even likely to dignify his lie with a reply.
My daughter responded that if it happened to her she’d tell the guy loudly and before his friends, “maybe in your dreams” with heavy sarcasm. This was a good example of teenage bravado, a thing that could hold my daughter and other teens in good stead. I agreed that creating embarrassment for a young man might work. By having a mutual and open dialog from the beginning, I was able to interject a plethora of information. My daughter added little tidbits and asked some very intelligent questions.
At one point I stressed to my daughter that I hoped she’d wait until marriage and that I was not condoning sexual activity beyond marriage. I added that I was aware that I would have no control over any decision she would eventually make regarding any sex or when she chose to become sexually active and that my main goal was to get ready her for that eventuality. We discussed different sexually transmitted diseases and their symptoms, although the kids in the community had received some of that information during intercourse education.
My daughter brought up the main topic of peers who took alternate precautions to avoid an unwanted pregnancy because the male did not desire to wear a prophylactic. I was then in a position to let her know that the sexual ‘myths’ that many uninformed teens believe certainly are a complete fallacy. Those myths included using the rhythm method would dramatically reduce the probability of an unwanted pregnancy, as would having the young man pull out of the girl’s body before ejaculating, and learning when the fertile portion of the girl’s cycle using body temperature, etc. to ensure they did not take part in sex during that period of time.
I was asked about oral sex and if the act was sex, by itself? My response was that yes, this is a sexual act that served to protect the guy from having a girl get pregnant, but that it is degrading to the girl and disrespectful. The girl could still get STDs like herpes and Chlamydia and AIDS, as could the guy, based on how promiscuous both parties had been in the past. It had been through the discussion on oral sex that I learned that quite a large number of my daughter’s peers were participating in that sexual act as ways to “pleasure their boyfriends rather than get pregnant.”
I talked to my daughter, and later, my son, concerning the different kinds of love including infatuation, hormonal, lust, love for someone of the contrary sex that has been non-sexual, and the deep emotional love that comes with the maturity of adulthood. I explained that a relationship, at any age, can rarely be sustained for just about any length of time if it’s built primarily on sex, which was also one major reason many relationships result in divorce court or separation and abandonment if the couple isn’t married.
Last, I asked my daughter to consider weighing any future decisions she might consider regarding sex very carefully, considering all the benefits and drawbacks. To use protection as a way of avoiding STDs and to combine the use of a prophylactic with a foam or other contraceptive as a prophylactic can be, or become damaged. I also informed her I knew she would never come to me with the information that she would engage in sex but that I’d let her then twenty-six year old half sister understand that she had my permission to help her get birth control pills at that time. I did include the information that abstinence is the only guarantee she wouldn’t get an STD or have a baby.